Lessons In Whining, Straight From The Pros

DEVON GRANDY (Honolulu, Hawaii)

When this half of Break Out The Oreos was a child he often attempted to pout or whine his way into getting what he wanted–that new toy, one more cookie than was the limit, another hour of sleep, you know the drill. And the response he almost always received, fine parents that his mother and father were, was that whining doesn’t make people want to give you what you want.

We say “almost always” because, being the precociously astute seven-year-old that Devon often imagines himself to have been, he inevitably found an exception to the rule: while whining doesn’t make people want to give you want you want, whining at really inconvenient moments for other people will very frequently make them give you at least some form of what you want just to have you shut up. Devon used this strategy to a particularly effective extent whenever his mother went into crunch mode with less than twenty-four hours before a deadline.

Now it appears that those two great whiners of the Democratic party–Bill and Hillary Clinton–have capitalized upon the Democratic party’s most inconvenient moment: with an uncomfortably nasty race between Obama and McCain heading into the stretch, the Clintons have been making just enough noise at just the right time to get Hillary a symbolic nomination at the Democratic National Convention to smooth out what the New York Times is calling “a lingering rift with Clinton supporters.”

Devon ponders the “rift” and gets his indignation on, after the jump.

If you’re confused about this, don’t fret, because you’re not wrong–Hillary did lose a fair and democratic process known as the Democratic presidential primary. Which, in some senses, means that the Democratic National Committee is committing voter fraud with this alternative–albeit symbolic–nomination, because the other side of the coin to Clinton losing is, you know, the fact that OBAMA ALREADY WON THE NOMINATION! ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING WITH THIS?!!

The Democrats are attempting to take back the White House and solidify their hold on Congress after almost a decade of what is nearly universally regarded as disastrous Republican leadership, and if Hillary and Bill’s hissy fits fuck this up for us we will be so pissed. How long is it going to be before they understand that Hillary is not entitled to a presidency if the voters don’t want her?

Hillary Clinton has a duty to the Democratic Party take her political ambitions, which were rightly and fairly entertained throughout the primary season, and put them in her back pocket for another few years.

Bill Clinton has a duty to both the Democratic Party and his once-respectable reputation to stop making an ass of himself. He might have already been a douchebag, but at least he was a silently content douchebag until his wife’s presidential bid started getting rocked in the primaries. Now he’s got even liberals longing for the days of “I do not recall…”

Devon Grandy is a writer, blogger, humorist, filmmaker, and musician. The creator and Editor-in-Chief of Break Out The Oreos, Devon is chiefly responsible for the alternatingly mind-numbing and glee-inspiring process of transforming his brainchild into a "for real" web magazine. Read more.