Don’t Cry for Yourself in Argentina
Today, Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina uttered the phrase, “I spent the last five days crying in Argentina.” If this doesn’t strike you as the best way to announce your candidacy for president in 2012, but instead as the greatest political quote in human history, you may begin to wonder about its context. The tale, my friends, is the greatest political dramedy to be witnessed since the infamous Vito Fossella was caught drunk driving to visit his second family.
Sadly, the movie rights to the story have long since been sold to Michael Bay (did we mention that Governor Sanford was leaping from explosions and fighting enormous robot testicles at his press conference?). We’ll have to settle for the prose version.
Without further ado, Ben catalogs a mysterious disappearance, a crazed woodsman, international intrigue, and a bizarre yet possibly ingenious path to the Republican presidential nomination after the jump.
Act 1: The exposition of M. Night Shyamalan’s next thriller, “The Governing.”
On Monday, word begins to circulate around the news media that no one actually knows where the governor of South Carolina is. Frankly, I don’t know how the executive of a state goes somewhere without someone knowing where he is. However, law enforcement has some details. He was last seen getting into a black SUV and his last known location was “near Atlanta.” In other words, the story starts to increasingly sound like a child abduction case. South Carolina citizens were shocked on Monday morning to find pictures of Mark Sanford on the sides of their milk cartons.
Meanwhile, Sanford’s wife claims that she is not concerned, despite not knowing where he has been for several days. Also, remember, that Sunday, the third day of the vanishing act, was FATHER’S DAY. Sanford has four children.
Act 2: Where is Jack Bauer?
State officials become frenzied as they realize that no one is actually in charge of, you know, the government (starting to notice a theme in my articles/our country?). Lieutenant Governor Andre Bauer actually calls the governor’s office, demands to speak with Sanford, and is told by the staff that they have no idea where he is or has been since the previous Thursday. Personally, I would have tried for a power grab, but Bauer seems to have a fair amount of self-control in this case.
Act 3: A casual stroll.
To “calm” speculation, Sanford spokesman Joel Sawyer issues a statement on Monday night that “the governor is hiking along the Appalachian Trail.” This trail, of course, stretches 2,178 miles from Maine to Georgia, so all this statement seems to nail down is what continent and time zone Sanford happens to be in (falsely, of course). And if you’re wondering, “why does a powerful, busy man like Sanford suddenly take off for the Appalachian Trail for 4 days,” answers began to arrive.
Act 4: A casual stroll in his birthday suit.
The keen-eyed writer at Palmetto Scoop identifies an intriguing clue about the governor’s motivation. Sunday was the occasion to celebrate two national holidays. Those who weren’t celebrating the more common one apparently chose to recognize June 21, 2009 as NAKED HIKING DAY. (I told you that the facts of this story are better than any joke I could write.) The blog also notes that the Stimulus Bill, which Sanford lead a passionate fight against, gave $613,000 to the trail.
It does make sense, though, that an aspiring national politician would want to cover up some bizarre nature-fetish which seems to contrast strangely with the Boy Scout values espoused by his party. Also, I have to imagine that the blogosphere could mobilize with digital cameras and cover the entirety of a 2,178 mile trail in about 20 minutes. Case, strangely, closed?
I (don’t) wish.
Act 5: An evil twin?
The media tries to get facts straight. The Columbia State reports that Governor Sanford will return to work on Wednesday, returning from possibly the Appalachian Trail. Meanwhile, a local station tracks down Sanford’s car at the Hartsfield-Jackson Airport in Atlanta. Of course, CNN simulatenously finds Sanford’s car at the Columbia Metropolitan Airport in South Carolina, and unsurprisingly takes the time to search nosily through the stuff in said car. The governor’s staff, all the while, continues to be no help at all, still insisting that the governor has been hiking, though they don’t know where or why. At this point, I’m prepared to accept essentially any explanation. This includes Sanford fleeing to a secluded, wooded spot in order to fully appreciate the musical complexity of Regina Spektor’s new album, finding the obvious to listen to an album called “Far.”
Act 6: Wherein our hero returns, and sends his staff for cartography lessons.
Governor Sanford bursts onto the scene in Atlanta, returning to the airport from, you guessed it, a plane. The governor explains that he took a vacation in Argentina, because he wanted to “do something exotic.” When asked to explain their persistent mis-information campaign, his staffers insisted that they merely confused North America with South America, the Appalachian Mountain Range with the Andes Mountains, and the Andes Mountains with urban Buenos Aires!
At this point, the story has gone on long enough for TPM Muckraker to compile a timeline of the events surrounding Sanford. That’s right, this is now at Iranian Revolution-levels of news interest, as only truly compelling, detailed stories get news timelines. Of course, we at BOTO compile timelines for anything that’s mildly amusing. The site also reports troubling news that the governor may have not gone on an unexplained, foreign expedition by himself.
Anyone who follows politics anymore probably knows where this is now headed (no, not to an airport bathroom).
Act 7: Shedding tears on both sides of the equator.
Governor Sanford holds a tearful press conference, apologizing fervently to his family, and publicly admitting to an 8-month affair with a friend (this is what he meant by exotic). The whole affair seems to explain a term-long obsession with Argentina. First Lady Jenny Sanford issues her own statement, having known about the affair for a while, in which she explains having begun a trial separation from her husband two weeks ago, as she “asked him to leave.” (Lets set aside the odd position of asking Governor Sanford to leave a governor’s mansion that is legally his home.)
Sanford expresses his deep regret about his actions, and explains, “I spent the last five days crying in Argentina.” It certainly seemed better for him when he was just a naked weirdo in the woods. Reactions pour in, and the prognosis doesn’t seem good for the governor. Some avid legal enthusiasts note that adultery is a crime in the great state of South Carolina, though I suppose Sanford could try claiming asylum by fleeing back to South America. Former state GOP chairman Katon Dawson seems to strangely threaten consequences as severe as a decent romantic comedy featuring Jimmy Fallon, warning that the call for Sanford to resign “will come at a fevered pitch shortly.”
Epilogue: Because no adulterous politician is sufficiently ridiculed before his love poetry is publicized.
The State, apparently exercising a never-before-witnessed version of journalistic self-control, has apparently had copies of emails between Sanford and this mysterious Argentina woman for SIX MONTHS. The texts of the emails are worth a read, as I can see why Sanford kept them a secret – GOP presidential primary voters probably frown upon sissy men capable of writing cliched love poetry.
Also, it seems like Sanford, champion of fiscal conservatism and enemy of “reckless government spending,” might have taken a few trips to Argentina on the dime of his loyal citizens. The governor clearly supports South Carolina’s infamous state motto, “We’ll Pay for Affairs, but Don’t You Dare Fix our Schools!”
So concludes this tale (for now). Sanford remains in office (for now), married (for now), and is still a professional politician (for now, although the “professional” is certainly in doubt). Does he still have hope for the GOP nomination in 2012? Well, I still see a clear political logic in each of these steps. The hiking rumors demonstrate his credentials as an outdoorsman and a conservationist, appealing to both gun owners and environmentalists. A trip to Argentina bolsters his foreign policy credentials. Doing something incredibly stupid and reckless without thinking about the consequences…well heck, is there any better way to qualify yourself as the next Republican president?
Ben Theodor tried to tame the blogging beast within by murdering his former blog, Change We Voted For, in cold blood (his first attempt, Election Day Countdown, expired due to natural causes). However, like so many cheap horror movie villains, Ben's sarcasm simply couldn't be kept down, and has found a permanent home here at BOTO. Read more.
