Annual Funeral for Research Universities and Thong Etiquette for Baseball Players
NICOLE CATÁ (New York, New York)
The second, newest half of the BOTO team is outraged. In the midst of her mourning stage, she couldn’t help but remark that New York’s leading newspapers have failed to commemorate the apparent death of her beloved university in the form of an obituary. After all, BOTO can only assume that Columbia is no longer with us: too few students traverse the stones of College Walk, Bwog has resorted to reporting false alarms of Columbia College’s insidious photoshopping exploits, and BOTO insiders cannot seem to recall any protests on campus within a fortnight’s time. Since commencement, the eerie lack of sentient beings within this institution’s walls have led our resident redhead to conclude that Columbia is in a better place now. Granted, a handful of the few students remaining to commiserate during these difficult times assure us that this happens every year, as part of a cycle. We here at BOTO know better, recognizing these soothing words as the euphemism that they are and resolving to persevere with fortitude and grace. In the meantime, we encourage our readership to write letters of protest to their local newspapers, in the spirit of our alma mater, requesting that they honor Columbia in this dark hour.
Comfort in the form of a gold thong after the jump:
Back at BOTO, we continue to seek inspiration from buried treasure. Today, however, we set aside Yankee Stadium construction drama and turn our attention to a good-luck charm. It is with great pleasure that the redheaded half of this blogging operation presents proof of superstition’s role in the world of baseball. Jason Giambi of the New York Yankees has admitted to donning a gold lamé thong to break out of funks on the field. BOTO usually (which here means, “never”) refrains from passing judgment, but we can’t help but suggest that Giambi curtail his seemingly boundless generosity: breaking with the conventional wisdom of thong-wearing, he has been sharing the undergarment with such teammates as Derek Jeter and Johnny Damon. Nicole wholeheartedly congratulates the Yankees on creating the need for society to amend the phrase, “sharing is caring” to preclude such intimate bonding among team members.
Then again, maybe Nicole is just jealous that the Yankees came up with this one first. Indeed, it had occurred to her that, given their standing in the National League East, perhaps the Mets should request to borrow the thong from their fellow New York baseball team, since Giambi has claimed that “it works every time,” but she has since seen the light. Join her as she outlines for the readership some general rules for thong-wearing.
Supermodel: Allowed to Wear a Gold Thong
Grown Man, Country Singer: Not Allowed to Wear a Gold Thong
President George W. Bush: Not Allowed to Wear a Gold Thong
Senator Barack Obama: Allowed to Wear a Gold Thong, But Would Choose Not To
Based on these simple rules, we have concluded that:
Jason Giambi is not allowed to wear a gold thong.
These guidelines aside, BOTO believes that the Yankees would do well to continue rotating the gold thong: they could use it. Then again, who couldn’t?
Nicole Catá is a rising junior at Columbia University. She is honored to serve as your humble co-editor and snark-provider. Nicole respectfully reminds you to make way for ducklings. Read more.
