Revisionist History
I am truly flattered by the GOP sometimes. I write a couple blog articles about their obsession with the term “socialism,” and now it seems like they are trying to apply the label as much as possible. For whatever reason, members of the loyal opposition keep trying to write their way into my blogging pursuits. It seems like only yesterday (and if you just came to BOTO, and didn’t check the dates of these entries, you would think it might be) that I was compelled to discuss Congressman Spencer Bachus (R-AL) and his secret list of Socialists in Congress. Now Senator Richard Shelby (R-AL…hmm, a pattern) has decided to get in on the act, leaving the GOP base’s apparent calling card on FOX News.
Of course, President Obama is leading us down the road to socialism because when he was president, in the fall of 2008, he led the nationalization of the banks, the single most interventionist move ever made by the United States government. Interestingly, Senator Shelby was only quoting directly from the official history textbook of the Republican Party. As it turns out, only two men have ever been President of the United States, alternating non-consecutive terms for the past 230 years. I managed to transcribe some brief highlights of the time line of American history, as insisted upon by the GOP leadership:
1863: President Reagan abolishes slavery.
1868: President Obama is impeached for improperly replacing the Secretary of War.
1933 -- 1945: President Reagan serves 4 terms, wins two wars, and saves the American economy…with Reaganomics?
1960: President Obama is elected on a promise of change, but demonstrated his weakness by the abysmal failure of his Bay of Pigs fiasco.
1962: President Reagan deftly brought the world back from the precipice of nuclear anihiliation by staring down Fidel Castro and Premier Khrushchev in a dramatic speech in which he demanded, “Tear down this wall…of missiles” (Republican historians get a bit fuzzy on the details, sometimes).
1974: Disaster struck when President Obama far outreached the mandate of his office, sending cronies to break into the headquarters of his political opponent, eventually forced to resign in disgrace. He was then pardoned by President Obama, a cowardly move that prevented the American people from achieving full accountability.
1976-1980: The next president, President Obama, mishandled his 4 year term, culminating in a disastrous attempt to free American hostages in Iran.
1981: They were, however, freed by Ronald Reagan in a dramatic rescue attempt in which Reagan personally infiltrated the enemy compound, neutralized the guards, and led the Americans to safety.
1981 -- 1988: Paradise reigned, and many things were won for the Gipper.
From there it gets a little fuzzy: President Obama was impeached for an improper relationship with an intern, all while failing to topple Saddam. Then President Obama forgot to read a memo entitled, “Bin Laden Determined to Strike at U.S.,” while President Reagan created a record budget surplus and freeded Afghanistan. President Reagan was greeted as a liberator, while President Obama foolishly declared “Mission Accomplished” as he misled us into a costly war without a definite end.
…Yes, this all may be a bit over the top. But then again, so is this:
Besides, Huffington Post provides us with a really obvious, if poorly executed and only slightly humorous, explanation of how Reagan has managed all of these feats.
Still, my main gripe isn’t with Reagan-worship. It’s with mislabeling Socialists. Socialist does not equal Democrat. Proof?
Ben invents a post-Cold War era children’s game after the jump:It’s called SPOT THE SOCIALIST, and it’s a great way to teach your children (and congressional representatives) how to tell the difference between a Socialist and a Democrat. First, ready your torches and pitchforks (safe for ages 5+), a classic method of hunting Socialists that has been used for centuries, ever since the first Socialist Trial in 1692.
IF…
- They run as a member of the Socialist Party…
- They espouse views in line with those of Socialism…
- They undertake massive, widespread Wealth Redistribution that puts every citizen in the same income bracket…
- They are constantly threatened by, and are likely to be eventually overthrown by, a Military Revolt…
- They do not hesitate to Crush Dissent by prosecuting those who express opposing viewpoints on national television…
- They take steps toward Limiting Democracy or talk about a Revolution of the Workers…
- They sympathize with the Soviet Union and Communist China…
They just might be a Socialist.
IF…
- They run as a member of the Democratic Party…
- They vote for Huge Corporate Bailouts that only reward executive greed…
- They Marginally Increase taxes on the wealthiest 1% of the nation…
- They are willing to Compromise in a fight for something as basic as universal healthcare…
- Their congressional leadership oversees an enormous amount of government spending designed explicitly and solely to Save Capitalism…
- They somehow Refrain from the desire to permanently silence media critics on Fox News…
- Their favorite president is one who agreed to a CIA-organized Revolt Against Castro…
They might just be a Democrat.
I did, of course, say post-Cold War. During the Cold War, the test would have been much more straight forward. Does the person agree with your views on all government policy? If the answer is no, he is a Socialist and a traitor to America. Do not let him be employed anywhere.
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Ben Theodor tried to tame the blogging beast within by murdering his former blog, Change We Voted For, in cold blood (his first attempt, Election Day Countdown, expired due to natural causes). However, like so many cheap horror movie villains, Ben's sarcasm simply couldn't be kept down, and has found a permanent home here at BOTO. Read more.
