Twitter and the Fall of Man
BEN THEODOR (Haverford, Pennsylvania)
For some reason, the web application Twitter has taken off recently. Despite its eerie similarity to Facebook status updates, everyone seems to be tweeting lately. In fact
, Shaquille O’Neal actually declared his allegiance to Twitteronia after a chance meeting with two fans thanks to his account on the site. However, while Shaq may have little to fear in this world, too few Twitter users are aware of the terrible consequences that may result from unsafe tweeting.
Take for example, the growing popularity of Twitter within political circles. To some, this may seem like a huge boon – wouldn’t we all like constant updates on what Joe Lieberman is thinking? However, it certainly raises the question of how focused our representatives are on running our country. I mean, what if Arlen Specter, Susan Collins, and Olympia Snowe had been too busy telling their Twitter followers “Meeting with Rahm…lol we’re Republicans that can be moderate just as long as we get lots of rewards for it” to notice that the Stimulus Bill was passing without them? Though I suppose I wouldn’t mind GOP Senators being distracted by Twitter while the healthcare debate occurs.
Unfortunately, Twitter usage has done a great deal of damage in the past few weeks. Find out the lessons we can learn from history, and how we can stop Twitter’s destruction of our society after the jump:
Two weekends ago, a congressional delegation was scheduled to fly to Iraq for a secret trip. Congressman Pete Hoekstra (R-MI) was among those attending, and given his experience as former Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, one would think that a secret trip of U.S. leaders to a war-zone would be something that you wouldn’t want to broadcast to the public. However, Representative Hoekstra apparently either missed that memo or assumed that al-Qaeda doesn’t have internet access, and decided to post details of his delegation’s movements on his Twitter account.
And speaking of broadcasting your movements to the your enemies, Virginia state GOP Chairman Jeff Frederick learned the hard way the lesson that so many parents warn their teenage daughters about their MySpace accounts: be careful about what you post about yourself and your friends on the internet, because someone could use it against you. Following this year’s elections in the Virginia state Senate, the Democrats held a slim, one-seat advantage. However, behind-the-scenes negotiations by the Republicans were making progress on convincing one of the Democrats to switch parties, thus giving control to the GOP.
Unfortunately for his comrades, Frederick decided that his followers on Twitter needed to know about the development before it was official, and posted this update at 9:30 in the morning on Feburary 10th. Virginia Democrats (those from the fake parts of the state), spending their mornings in typical fashion – surfing the web, eating aurugla, reading Marx – discovered the post, and sprang into action. Within hours, the GOP’s plans had been thwarted, and Frederick was forced to pick up the tab for his friends’ pizza.
Failed Twitter users like Frederick need only look at historical Twitter blunders for inspiration (all students of history should take notes for their next exams):
- December 16th, 1773; Samuel Adams’s Twitter account is updated: “Does this Indian costume Indian costume make my forehead look big? Maybe it’s just the tea talking, but I think I’d look great on a beer bottle.”
- December 25th, 1776; 3:00 AM; George Washington’s Twitter account is updated: “Launching surprise attack on Hessians. Hope they don’t have iPhones. Delaware River is Cold. Must remember to pose heroically for posterity’s sake.”
- July 3rd, 1863; Major General George Pickett’s Twitter account is updated: “Hoping to catch the Yankees with their pants down. Wish I could grow a beard like Lee.”
- August 9, 1974; Richard Nixon’s Twitter account is updated: “I really hope that this all doesn’t eventually lead to an Oscar nomination for Frank Langella. If only I lived in an alternate reality with superheroes.”
- February 22, 2009; Hugh Jackman’s Twitter account is updated: “With a good portion of our TV audience afraid of losing their jobs, maybe we shouldn’t have done this ceremony beneath a massive curtain of crystals.”
In conclusion, Twitter has been a force of chaos, social unrest, and crushed dreams for centuries, and it must be stopped. So, as a contributing columnist to this site (and all the influence that goes along with that), I urge you to stop using Twitter, stop following other people’s Twitter accounts, and by all means don’t support your favorite website’s use of Twitter* sign up for Break Out the Oreo’s Twitter feed!
*Warning: Certain fair and balanced content edits have been made by BOTO management.
Ben Theodor tried to tame the blogging beast within by murdering his former blog, Change We Voted For, in cold blood (his first attempt, Election Day Countdown, expired due to natural causes). However, like so many cheap horror movie villains, Ben's sarcasm simply couldn't be kept down, and has found a permanent home here at BOTO. Read more.
