Oct 7

Stop the Spread!

Intrepid Reporting, USC, What Other Colleges?

DEVON GRANDY (New York, New York)

Run away and panic! A mysterious disease is spreading across our nation’s college campuses and shall soon be consuming us all! And no, this isn’t an episode of Fringe, though we here at Break Out The Oreos must admit to being partial to any and all television shows detailing the supernatural terrorism of the city and inhabitants of Boston.

No, this little shindig is going down on the other side of the country at the sunny University of Southern California, the student body of which is rapidly discovering the concept of “Facebook activism” that we here in the Ivy League know and love (to be fair, they did have a perhaps more specific type of armchair advocacy last year). Break Out The Oreos had a recent conversation about the soon-to-be pandemic with Elise Nakamura, one of Devon’s high school classmates (and soon-to-be gastrointestinal zombie?) currently on the ground at USC.

After the jump, that is.

BOTO (12:10:19 AM): so are my friends going to start dropping dead after their intestines explode, or what?
BOTO (12:10:28 AM): what the hell is going on over there?
Elise (12:10:47 AM): idk.. :\
Elise (12:10:53 AM): gastrointestinal viruses and what not
Elise (12:11:02 AM): its supposed to pass after 1 - 2 days
Elise (12:11:12 AM): but its apparently uber contagious so..it will spread
BOTO (12:12:19 AM): you’re sure it isn’t this?
Elise (12:12:38 AM): lol yes
Elise (12:12:55 AM): here read that  :p
BOTO (12:13:18 AM): yeah, that’s where i got it
Elise (12:13:40 AM): lol
BOTO (12:13:57 AM): still, if they quarantine the campus and i never see you again due to a zombie infiltration, i just want you to know that i truly value you as a friend and a human being
Elise (12:14:12 AM): thank you
Elise (12:14:14 AM): this means a lot

Shabby research reveals that the virus in question outbroke (hey, it’s better than “mavericky“) a week ago at Georgetown as well, where at least 190 students have been diagnosed. Even shabbier research reveals that the virus in question is “transmitted by fecally contaminated food or water and by person-to-person contact.” Keeping that information in mind, dear readership, via which transmission method do you think Norovirus reached USC? Then again, it may all be a ploy by Pete Carroll to both distract the campus and build the character of his football team after the Trojans’ recent embarrassing-yet-somehow-predictable loss to Oregon State. Will we ever know?

At any rate, we’d like to leave you with video evidence of the incidents occurring at USC in the event that neither the University nor your favorite weblog are ever heard from again due to a massive government cover-up.

This has been a public service announcement from Break Out The Oreos. Go Irish!

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one comment so far...

  • no imageStevo (Who am I?) Said on October 7th, 2008 at 10:49 am:

    I guess kids at USC never learned to never eat food with virally contaminated shit on top. Oh well, no loss for society.

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