Aug 15

Princeton Goes Anarchist, Batshit-Crazy

DEVON GRANDY (Honolulu, Hawaii)

You remember that school thing Break Out The Oreos used to write about? That vaguely snooty grouping of Northeastern educational institutions? What was that that called again?

Oh, right. The Ivy League.

Summer’s nearly at an end, dear readership, and while Devon is truly excited to be departing this small piece of Hell masquerading as paradise for more urban pastures, only one group of Ivy Leaguers is ecstatic to the point of public, gleeful idiocy. Yes, friends, the incoming freshmen are almost here, and they’re already proving to be a promising group for us bloggers.

Evidently, one particularly outspoken Princeton ‘12-er named Stephany Xu–also known by her Facebook alias as Stephany Her RoyalHighness–is lighting it up on the interwebs over at the Princeton 2012 Facebook group with what can only be called an expansive address upon her high standards and positively endless potential. Many thanks to IvyGate for breaking the first great story of the new hunting season.

Here’s one of our favorites:

This is the death of dynasty. The authorities may make the rules, they may think they have control, but we cannot forget we are Princeton. We are her blood and her bile. And we are the generation they have never seen before.

We are the anti-Christs to save the world from the mercy of God, the self-pity that festers within the masses. Religion is the opiate of the masses, so drug them until they are nothing but slaves at your will. You have deserved this. You are Hitler the fourth, Alexander the Great the Second, Napoleon the Fifth, here to destroy the world we know.

We are history because we are the winners.

We just hope that the Princeton administration starts listening to her sooner rather than later so that we can write about Princeton’s departments being restructured into schools of apocalypse, genocide, dictatorship/warlordship, and tantric sex. It would be a revolutionary new vision for the ol’ orange and black–after all, “Dei sub numine viget“ kind of sucks when compared to “We are Princeton. We are her blood and her bile.” Latin is so not hardcore these days.

We’ll lay off a full, jump-capable post for now in the interest of originality and avoiding excessive schadenfreude. We’re sure we’ll all be hearing from Stephany again real soon.