Jun 23

NYC How-Tos

Entertainment, New York City

NICOLE CATÁ (New York, New York)

Having conquered her incompetence regarding all things technological, Nicole returns with the triple crown of her pseudo-anthropological investigations into city life: three How-To lists, which should come in handy if you plan on visiting NYC this summer to attend free concerts, rescue your friend’s misplaced belongings, or eat for cheap. But first, Break Out the Oreos pays its respects to a native of West 121st Street in “White Harlem” (also known to your co-writers as their beloved Morningside Heights): groundbreaking comedian George Carlin, most renowned for his famous 7 words routine (which led to a Supreme Court decision that the “Filthy Words” schtick was “indecent but not obscene”), died on June 22, 2008 of heart failure. As Carlin mused on his fame (or notoriety, depending on whom you ask): “My name is a footnote in American legal history, which I’m perversely kind of proud of.” In honor of his death (since Carlin preferred direct language to such euphemisms as “passing”), the BOTO team mourns his loss and chants, “shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits.” Those who enjoy free events, heroism, and inexpensive meals should see what lies in store for them after the jump:

List the First: How To Survive a Free Event at Central Park Summerstage

• Arrive as early as your sanity will allow. Being all too familiar with the high cost of living in the most populus city in the United States, NYC residents really like free stuff. Especially when the free stuff involves entertainment and music (New Yorkers have an affinity for cultural events). Particularly when the free stuff affords them a proximity to trees (nature is a novelty to New Yorkers). This is to say that, up to two hours before “doors” open, navigating the line for the event becomes half of the journey and all of the aggravation.
• Bring an umbrella. This becomes useful in case of both torrential downpour and excessive sunlight. The first situation probably seems self-explanatory. Although it may not provide complete coverage when the streets of New York pulse with what becomes river water through which you must slosh to safety, the perfect umbrella prevents one from morphing into a drowned rat. The utility of the device in the second scenario may be less obvious, but no more effective method for avoiding contact with the sun’s rays exists when faced with a shade-free spot in line. Speaking of which…
• Lather on the sunblock. “Liberal” is the word of the day, and it’s one to wear like a badge of honor when it comes to avoiding skin cancer, which is not flattering on anyone. (Scroll down a bit on the linked page to fully appreciate its connection to BOTO’s recommendation.)
• Learn how to play Spades. For that matter, learn how to play Spades regardless of your concert attendance. Nothing staves off boredom like a good card game.
• Enjoy the event, especially if you are seeing Born Ruffians, Vampire Weekend, or Mike Birbiglia. Leave early if Stephen Lynch takes the stage; run away if he starts playing “Dirty Sanchez.” Failure to do so may result in permanent brain damage.

List the Second: How to Recover a Friend’s Lost Item(s) at Grand Central Terminal

• Apparently, the only way to accomplish this great feat is to make sure that one or more of the owner’s item(s) is a camera with at least one picture of you on its memory card. Describing the items with precision doesn’t seem to hurt, either. Next list!

List the Third: A) How to Eat a Satisfying Meal for $3.50 in New York

• Acquire a taste for falafel. Chickpeas and tahini should replace peanut butter and jelly as the most frequently cited food pairing, as far as the redheaded half of BOTO is concerned.
• Stop by Mamoun’s Falafel Restaurant. Purchase a falafel sandwich for $2.50.
• Splurge on a cup of mango juice, which costs all of $1.00.
• Avoid overconsumption of the hot sauce, unless you enjoy it when smoke wafts out of your ears.
• Learn how to consume the delicacy without spilling lettuce and tomatoes all over the vicinity. Then explain your methodology to this maladroit damsel in culinary distress.
• Don’t criticitze BOTO for espousing the beauty of this dish more than once. We REALLY like inexpensive, delicious food.

B) How to Spend at Least as Much Money on Dessert

• Visit Magnolia Bakery, where people wait in a line that coils along the intersection of W 11th and Bleeker Streets for a cupcake.
• Use wax paper to select and lift your cupcakes, butter-saturated icing and all, into an ever-so-cavernous white box.
• Try to ignore the scrumptious, sugar-laden treats gracing the walls of the bakery cases. You mean they sell more than just cupcakes?
• Give into temptation if you haven’t been graced with willpower, that elusive knight of strength and mystery.
• Abandon your diet, several times over if necessary. Note: somehow, it is always necessary.
• Take your purchase to the pier at the end of Charles Street. It’s a proven fact that consuming peppermint icebox cake or banana pudding while overlooking the Hudson River cuts your caloric intake in half.

This concludes our coverage of New York until Nicole’s next post, which will cover either the Mets or the Bodies Exhibit at South Street Seaport. Having been conscripted (or just politely asked) to write music and movie reviews for I Ate My DVD Collection, any previously promised Iron Man reviews will appear there.

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