DEVON GRANDY (Honolulu, Hawaii)
We’re gradually implementing new features here at Break Out The Oreos, some of them visible to you and some of them not. We’ve beefed up our site-mapping and search engine compatibility, which is why a Google search for “Break Out The Oreos” actually leads you to where it is supposed to. The same applies to yours truly. These and other changes have resulting in higher visbility for our humble blog, which has recently had several weeks with three hundred or more hits. Last month our blog was visited seven hundred times.
Now, while the whole “150 views on a good day” strategy is nice and all, it’s still a far cry from the type of site traffic that other, more prominent and better established blogs receive (Sex and the Ivy gets over 2,000 hits a day, but then again, none of us here at Break Out The Oreos have quite the kind of social life that Ms. Chen does). This is all the more reason for you, our loving and loyal readership, to help get the word out–tell your friends about us! Visit more often!
Devon outlines the big changes coming to BOTO, after the jump. Read More
NICOLE CATÁ (Westchester, New York)
BEN THEODORE (Westchester, New York)
Nicole couldn’t help but notice that news about politics and the Ivy League have resurfaced on our humble blog, and she felt it necessary to point out that her future alma mater has its fair share of bizarre minutia. While we here at BOTO usually sing rigorous, albeit quirky, praises of Columbia - think rugby-clad musicians spouting witticisms and bellowing the school fight song in football fields across the Ivy League - we have also been taught to question the status quo to the point of near paranoia. Couple this insatiable curiosity with the perspective of a more objective voice (that of a Haverford College student) and you have a partnership ready to tackle the hairy underbelly of world domination. With this in mind, we present the following riddle: what do Barack Obama, Frank Lautenberg, David Paterson, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Hans Blix, Pat Buchanan, Alan Greenspan, and Mikhail Saakashvili have in common?
Find out after the jump: Read More
DEVON GRANDY (Honolulu, Hawaii)
You remember that school thing Break Out The Oreos used to write about? That vaguely snooty grouping of Northeastern educational institutions? What was that that called again?
Oh, right. The Ivy League.
Summer’s nearly at an end, dear readership, and while Devon is truly excited to be departing this small piece of Hell masquerading as paradise for more urban pastures, only one group of Ivy Leaguers is ecstatic to the point of public, gleeful idiocy. Yes, friends, the incoming freshmen are almost here, and they’re already proving to be a promising group for us bloggers.
Evidently, one particularly outspoken Princeton ‘12-er named Stephany Xu–also known by her Facebook alias as Stephany Her RoyalHighness–is lighting it up on the interwebs over at the Princeton 2012 Facebook group with what can only be called an expansive address upon her high standards and positively endless potential. Many thanks to IvyGate for breaking the first great story of the new hunting season.
Here’s one of our favorites:
This is the death of dynasty. The authorities may make the rules, they may think they have control, but we cannot forget we are Princeton. We are her blood and her bile. And we are the generation they have never seen before.
We are the anti-Christs to save the world from the mercy of God, the self-pity that festers within the masses. Religion is the opiate of the masses, so drug them until they are nothing but slaves at your will. You have deserved this. You are Hitler the fourth, Alexander the Great the Second, Napoleon the Fifth, here to destroy the world we know.
We are history because we are the winners.
We just hope that the Princeton administration starts listening to her sooner rather than later so that we can write about Princeton’s departments being restructured into schools of apocalypse, genocide, dictatorship/warlordship, and tantric sex. It would be a revolutionary new vision for the ol’ orange and black–after all, “Dei sub numine viget“ kind of sucks when compared to “We are Princeton. We are her blood and her bile.” Latin is so not hardcore these days.
We’ll lay off a full, jump-capable post for now in the interest of originality and avoiding excessive schadenfreude. We’re sure we’ll all be hearing from Stephany again real soon.
DEVON GRANDY (Honolulu, Hawaii)
When this half of Break Out The Oreos was a child he often attempted to pout or whine his way into getting what he wanted–that new toy, one more cookie than was the limit, another hour of sleep, you know the drill. And the response he almost always received, fine parents that his mother and father were, was that whining doesn’t make people want to give you what you want.
We say “almost always” because, being the precociously astute seven-year-old that Devon often imagines himself to have been, he inevitably found an exception to the rule: while whining doesn’t make people want to give you want you want, whining at really inconvenient moments for other people will very frequently make them give you at least some form of what you want just to have you shut up. Devon used this strategy to a particularly effective extent whenever his mother went into crunch mode with less than twenty-four hours before a deadline.
Now it appears that those two great whiners of the Democratic party–Bill and Hillary Clinton–have capitalized upon the Democratic party’s most inconvenient moment: with an uncomfortably nasty race between Obama and McCain heading into the stretch, the Clintons have been making just enough noise at just the right time to get Hillary a symbolic nomination at the Democratic National Convention to smooth out what the New York Times is calling “a lingering rift with Clinton supporters.”
Devon ponders the “rift” and gets his indignation on, after the jump. Read More
DEVON GRANDY (Matsumoto, Japan)
…seriously, fuck soccer.
What a crazy time it’s been these past couple of weeks in the world of baseball. Let’s recap:
Old Timers’ Day at Yankee Stadium featured the big names: newly-named Hall-of-Famer Goose Gossage, Reggie Jackson, Tino Martinez, Bucky Dent, Yogi Berra, and more than seventy others. This includes fan favorite Willie Randolph, who after being horribly mistreated by some inferior, other New York team, recieved a hearty welcome back to the Bronx and those who love him for the class act that he is. Never leave again, Willie!- Manny Ramirez, professional douchebag and Yankee-killer, is dump-traded to the Dodgers in a three-team deal that sends Pittsburgh outfielder Jason Bay to the Red Sox. Devon is ecstatic about this: not only does Ramirez leave the Red Sox, not only does he leave the AL East, not only does he leave the American League, but Ramirez is now on an entirely different coast from where Devon usually makes his home. That’s right, go away, Manny! Never again shall your man-child mug crowd our television screen.
- Ken Griffey, Jr. is sent from his nine-year home in Cincinnati to the White Sox. It’s not every day that you get to see a 600+ homer guy traded, particularly mid-season.
- Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez is traded to the Yankees by Detroit in return for Kyle “Please Don’t Put Him In Without A Ten-Run Lead” Farnsworth. A great move by the Yankees in the wake of Jorge Posada’s season-ending surgery, particularly because everybody in the Bronx hates Farnsworth.
- Xavier Nady, the outfielder traded recently to the Yankees from Pittsburgh, began his career in pinstripes by kicking asses and taking names–he’s hitting .526 since the trade, earning him AL Player of the Week honors and a lot of Devon’s kudos. He’s even a new father! It’s hard not to like him, even if he did spent a fraction of a season as a Met.
Some things never change, though. Curt Schilling is still an attention-grubbing douchebag, particularly now that his irritating career is over.
Devon runs down the baseball scoop in Japan, after the jump: Read More
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